C. S. Lewis wrote, "You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you." He wrote his for a different reason than what my reason currently is. But, his first: Lewis had just suffered the death of his wife, Helen Joy. He was really struggling with the grief and how to relate to God at the time. He was questioning his beliefs about God. He wasn't doubting God's existence, but what kind of God there is. Lewis during that time ranted that God is sadistic and gives us little joy in a trap to make us distraught and despairing in the end. This statement was made because he was really making that faith he had all the more real by challenging it. It had become a matter of life and death for him, because it was so challenged.I feel myself going through a moment where the truth or falsehood of my faith is a matter of life and death. I am kind of struggling with it right now. I do believe in God. I do believe in Jesus Christ. I just don't know how much right now: how much I believe, how much I trust, how much He's real. I also don't know how real He is. Some of this is due to my own "rebellion" but also to honest doubt.
I went to a lecture by Dr. Francisco Ayala and he pointed out what kind of God we would have if we go with an ID standpoint. I'll just say that one point he made about what this creator would look like troubles me. How many animals have suffered and died as a result of the natural functions and instincts of other animals? Much pain has been inflicted and if God created and guides the creation, then He could almost be accused of sadism and infinite abuse. We despised Michael Vick for pitting pit bulls against each other Lions rip apart their prey. Sharks cause much pain to their prey (except for whale sharks). What about all the diseases that have arisen and inflicted much pain on human and animal alike? So, I don't know how to answer that. This did not make me disbelieve in God. His point of view on the relationship of science and religion is not appealing to me (seems more like a schizophrenic culture of thought). But, that challenge is still there.
This isn't the only reason for my difficulties. I'm struggling to make any effort to do much, let alone my relationship with God. I'm struggling to care. Not about life, but the things of life. I love my life. I feel simultaneously confident and low at the same time though. I'm worried about the outcomes of upcoming events (end of the certificate program, end of Amanda's mom's academy time, etc.). And when May comes, who knows if I will be able to find a job? I don't want to work at Starbucks forever (it's a great place, just not my career ideal obviously). I also have loans coming to term. I still live with my parents and I'm in major debt. None of these things do I feel all that confident about the results or where I am currently. It sucks. And I'm trying to find how out how it's all going to work out. God seems to have left me in a suffering but not out economy. If I believe truly, He has led me into a field that I am not sure I will be qualified for or find a job in (as zoos aren't doing as well as they once have). Is God there? Is He watching? Does He care to lend a hand? Give me strength? I am so stressed about everything (including current class projects).
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I wish I'd gone to that lecture with you and Joel, but I was pretty busy and frankly, didn't want face any philosophical dilemmas. However, this is a question I'll have to think more about at some point. Like Joel mentioned on Facebook, I always assumed God and evolution were compatible in general, and were only a problem for fundamentalists. When you say Ayala's point of view seems schizophrenic, is that because he thinks of them as non-overlapping? (I don't know what his position, but I think Steven Jay Gould has written about "non-overlapping magisteria.") Anyway, that's pretty much my position too at the moment. I'm pretty ignorant, though. I've heard that God's Universe by Owen Gingerich and Exploring Reality by John Polkinghorne are good.
It's probably not much consolation, but I think a lot of people our age have similar worries about life and direction. I do at least. I try to focus on what I can fix today and let God take care of the rest. If you have to think about "the future" then set aside specific times to do that rather than just maintaining a constant level of worriedness that resolves nothing. (Which is all to often how it works for me.) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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