Sunday, August 16, 2009

Starbucks Idiocy

I recently have noticed something about Starbucks customers...there are the annoying ones, the dumb ones, the smart ones, the too smart ones, and the OCD. But, I am going to discuss something that might offend some. I call them the "Frappuccino People."

Frappuccino people bother me. Seriously. There is nothing more annoying to the average barista at Starbucks than a weekend or evening Frappuccino person. For one thing, in the drive thru they keep us waiting to decide what they want. Save the time, just tell us which frappuccino and move on. Don't pretend that you are smart and browsing our menu. The longer you wait to tell us that you want a Carmel frappuccino, the more we're going to be annoyed with the fact you made us wait to hear the obvious. Sometimes, we are surprised and get something like a Carmel Macchiato (not really a Macchiato for you people who do know what you're talking about, but still is labeled that by Starbucks). Don't think you people who surprise us with that are anything special. It's the drink we tell people to get if they want espresso but don't know what they want beyond that.

Second, the Frappuccino person typically thinks they are something special for having come to Starbucks in the first place to get something. Suddenly, they are a part of some elite upper middle class group and now can be labeled snobbish. Really...get over yourselves. You're not anything special for having got a drink that half the population gets when they come to Starbucks, because half the population do not know what they want. It's not an elite social club. Starbucks has millions of customers and has thousands of stores. You get a drink that is not that complicated to make, but is time consuming. It's called something fancy to make you feel fancy. Get over the illusion.

Third, the Frappuccino person does not tip. Look, I don't expect tips from everyone. But, it is notoriously the case that on weekends when we get the most frappuccinos are also the time we get some of our lowest tips for the day. That is because the common person who comes into Starbucks who thinks they are something special for having come to Starbucks though they bought a predictable, but time-consuming drink, doesn't think that tipping is anything they should do. They just bought a pricey $4 drink. Look, it's not our fault that you decided to not branch out and try our REAL coffee and espresso drinks. And even those people who spend $5 on an espresso drink by adding shots or whatnot, those people tip. We don't get paid a lot. If you are so special with your newly-given faux upper middle class status, why not tip? Make us and you feel even better!

Fourth and final, the Frappuccino person in a minivan is dangerous. That usually means there are multiple Frappuccino people in the van and we have to make multiple Frappuccinos, hence backing up the drive-thru line when it is supposed to be there for driving in and out with your drink. Ordering 4-5 Frappuccinos at one time in the drive-thru is annoying, ridiculous, incredibly stressful and time-consuming, and makes other customers behind you unhappy for having to wait. It's rude and does not follow drive-thru etiquette. If you really want all those Frappuccinos. Let us make them for you inside where you can sit on your keisters for a bit and we can help both inside and outside customers. People in their cars in the drive-thru can get their drinks quicker and the line in the store will still move despite your order.

I will make a subset of the 4th definition. Do not come to the drive-thru 15-20 min before close and order a large number of frappuccinos We are people, too, who want to get home at night at a decent hour.

I mean this set of annoyances to be generalizations and to be taken in good fun. I hope nobody was seriously offended by the things I said. But, that being people annoy us. Thank you for your business.